


Forgiven

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [14]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Reality, Character Death, F/M, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3145937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are many who believe dreams are your heart trying to tell your mind its truths." What if Kaidan and Shepard's roles were reversed? She deals with her loss in Mass Effect 2. Lots of unapologetic Shenko, and a twist end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End of All Hope

Soft, familiar pressure pinned her limbs to the wall; she grinned at Kaidan as he glowed a faint blue. "Now that's just not fair."

"Didn't know 'fair' was an option, Commander." The wicked glint in his eye stole her breath.

"C'mon, we need to get going. The mess is going to start filling up soon."

He stepped closer and cupped her face. Just before his lips captured hers, he murmured, "Just a moment." By the time he stepped back, Kaelia couldn't think straight. The heart-melting wink he threw her way probably didn't help either. Before she could react, he released her from his biotic hold and slipped out the cabin door.

* * *

A good half hour after Kaidan snuck off, Shepard finally had the composure to go back into "Commander Mode." She squared her shoulders and headed to the mess. She grabbed a cup of coffee, downed a breakfast ration bar, and descended to the head of the ship to check on Joker. Kaidan gave her a surreptitious wink from his station, forcing her to take a sip of coffee to hide the smile.

Joker knew, of course; they both trusted him to not rat them out. He and Garrus were the only ones they really trusted. Both their careers were much too important to risk over fraternization. She could always drop the Alliance and go full-time Spectre, but the thought of that was enough to upset her stomach. She loved Kaidan, but for years the Alliance was all she had. Dropping them like a bad habit didn't sit well with her.

"So, Commander, more Geth?" Joker's tone echoed how all three soldiers on the deck felt about _that._ They knew this was a waste of time, but they didn't have any proof. What else could they do?

She sighed. "You know it. Full ramming speed ahead, or something. Not like there'll be anything…we've been searching for four days." Shepard plunked into the chair next to Joker.

The pilot spared a brief second to give her a side glance. "Might not want to sit down, then. We'll be there in ten minutes."

A dirty look was shot to her crippled friend and pilot before she groaned and stood up. He just grinned in response.

Kaidan couldn't help asking. "What's wrong, Commander?" She had to hold back a smile: he was so bad at masking his feelings. If either of them ever got stuck in an official interrogation about fraternizing together, they were doomed.

"Could've told me before I sat down, Joker. C'mon, Alenko. You're going in, too."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

* * *

Shepard was always fast at getting suited up. She clunked out of the captain's quarters and looked around for Garrus before heading to the elevator. He was coming on this one, too. Tali was exceptionally intelligent and very eager to fight the Geth, but the Quarian was just too young to take on a potentially dangerous ground mission. She needed a bit more experience before being allowed to go down with them.

Just as the door to the elevator opened, she heard Joker's voice – unusually panicked – boom over the ship's com system. "Brace for evasive maneuvers!" _He never yells_ … She was thrown into the elevator as the ship banked hard to starboard and shuddered. The tearing of metal easily reached her, followed shortly by the smell of smoke. _What the…_

She broke into a dead run for the stairs, but paused when she realized the tearing had come from behind. She turned and ran around the elevator to see fire and debris. "Damn it!" Her voice rose above the chaos, yelling to the com mic she knew was nearby. " _Joker!_ Patch me through." The speakers beeped as they were switched to her. "Everyone to the evacuation shuttles, _now."_ A blast rocked them again, cutting her off."We're not taking any chances, everyone abandon ship! Shepard out."

Her helmet was quietly placed on her head. The last thing people needed was their commanding officer to panic. She'd get out of this, they all would; they always did. Setting up the distress beacon was calming, calculating. Her fingers flew across the touch pad as she calibrated it. Just as Kaelia finally got her nerves back into cool control, fumbling steps ran up behind her and paused. The only voice that had the potential to unravel her spoke, concerned but calm. "Shepard!"

A finger rose to quiet him as she commed into the bridge. "Distress beacon ready for launch." Now she turned to look at him; he still didn't have his helmet on. Damn it all if he didn't look great in this lighting, too. Before she could think further, he yanked on his own helmet.

"Will the Alliance get here in time?"

How the hell would she know? They better. She shook her head and reached to stabilize him when another blast knocked both of them fairly well off their feet. "I'm not doing this so they can find our frozen corpses. Help get everyone onto the evac shuttles."

She grabbed a fire extinguisher and tossed it to him before finding a second for herself. They began to try and contain the fire that sprung up around them. His voice cut through the noise. "Joker's still in the cockpit; he won't abandon ship." He turned to touch her arm with a hand. "I'm not leaving, either."

 _Dammit, Kaidan._ She threw her extinguisher to the corner as it stopped working, opting to turn and grab his to keep him from staying with her. "I need you to get the crew to the escape shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." His extinguisher found a home next to hers as it was tossed to the side. She started toward the stairs.

"Commander…"

Shepard turned her back to the stairwell. Their eyes met – through the helmets or not, the connection was clear. This was _exactly_ why fraternization was so looked down on; this was _exactly_ what they were afraid of happening. The thought of being torn apart was heartbreaking, but they were both officers on a military ship. They _had_ to do what was right for the crew, or neither of them belonged on this ship. She had to pull rank on him. Deep breath in, sigh out. "Kaidan, go…"

He didn't move.

"I gave you an order, Lieutenant."

He winced…cringed, even. His training kicked in and he did obey the order, but not before brushing his hand down her arm with an "Aye, aye."

_No time to feel, only time to move. Go, Kaelia; go._

She shook her head and whipped around to run up the stairs. The door at the top finally opened, and a whoosh of air being sucked into the vacuum of space pulled her out of the ship. Her eyes widened as she stared at what _should_ have been the Normandy's ceiling. It was gone. The ship that was attacking them – she could see it, organic and twisted – had _completely_ destroyed the main deck. Her legs couldn't move fast enough without gravity, each lumbering step taking an eternity to float forward. She could see the bridge from here, just had to make it there.

Gravity and air hit her like a brick when she entered the small remaining field of atmosphere Joker had left for himself. Legs that felt like lead moments ago over responded to her mental commands, throwing her into the back of pilot's chair. "Come on, Joker; we have to abandon ship."

"No! I won't abandon the Normandy. I can still save her!"

Before she could argue with her friend further, a new voice cut her off. "The Normandy's lost! Going down with the ship won't change that, Joker."

She stood up and stared right at him. Her damn Lieutenant had disobeyed direct orders to make sure she was safe. Now was not the time to lecture him, though…the ship was going down around the three of them. Thankfully, Joker seemed ready to go.

"All right. Help me up." The two marines quickly did just that, despite his protests about watching his arm as they pulled the pilot to the shuttle. She stepped one foot inside, gently tossing him to his seat. Just as she turned to reach for Kaidan, the groan of metal being ripped apart and a bright flash blew them apart. Shepard hit the other side of the escape shuttle hard, dazing her; but that didn't matter. She scrambled to the door, only to run into it as it shut in front of her.

Everything happened in slow motion. She could see Kaidan, floating through the sparks. His hand pulled away from the shuttle's release; it hit her that he had pushed the button to save her. But that meant…

_No!_

Kaelia pounded against the door with all her strength. In a rare display of sheer panic, she screamed his name, watching helplessly as they drifted away from the ship. Another blast from the unidentified vessel burst through, effectively tossing their pod away. Her eyes were glued to the remains of the Normandy, searching for a figure.

He had to live. He had to, he had to. Damn it. _Damn it, Kaidan. Maybe they'll go away now that I'm gone and–_ All her hopes were crushed in a single explosion.

The ship's core was finally hit and the Alliance warship bloomed into a spectacular shower of scrap metal.

_No…_

Her legs gave way and she clunked down into a heap of armor. She had just watched the one man she ever actually loved die. Tears wouldn't come. Thoughts wouldn't form. All she could do was stare into nothing and force herself to not feel.


	2. Dead to the World

"Lieutenant Alenko gave his life to defend his commanding officer and friends."

She wasn't here. This wasn't happening.

"Few men show the courage and dedication he exhibited on a regular basis."

Her Alliance blues were not what she was wearing. She was not on Earth.

"We salute his bravery and service to the Alliance."

Anderson was _not_ giving this speech…

The longer she told herself this wasn't happening, that she didn't hear the quiet sobbing of Kaidan's mother behind her, the more she could hold on to her sanity. He should be here, not his parents. _Her_ picture should be the one in the frame near the empty coffin, not his. This was all a horrible nightmare that she would wake from soon; he'd brush sweat-soaked hair from her forehead and whisper that it was all a dream.

The sound of her name snapped her out of the hopeful fantasy beginning to play out in her mind.

"Commander Shepard and everyone on the Normandy owe him their lives."

_If only they knew._

* * *

She threw her hands in the air and walked in a wide circle before slamming those same hands onto Udina's desk. Kaelia growled. "What do you _mean_ the Reaper threat is being ignored?"

"It is out of my hands! Anderson, talk to her; you're _her_ Councilor."

Her superior's deep, calming voice did nothing but grate on her nerves at the moment. He was one of her oldest friends and she trusted him completely, but it didn't matter what he said – all she could hear was the cold truth hidden beneath it.

"Shepard, after three months of investigation, the Council believes there isn't sufficient evidence to prove Sovereign was a Reaper."

_They just don't want to believe you. Kaidan was right._

"I can't help you further; I've done everything I can. The Council's offered you the freedom to investigate it as a special assignment, but the Alliance refuses to fund a project like that. They need a more results-driven goal."

_You're completely on your own, after everything you've done for us._

She turned to stare at him, bright green eyes boring a hole through his dark brown ones. "So that's it? The Alliance is just cutting me loose and forcing me to help guard some colony instead of going after the real threat?"

In Anderson's defense, he looked about as upset as she felt. He nodded solemnly; perhaps he knew what she was going to do. "I don't like it, Commander. You know I believe you…but two soldiers aren't enough proof."

This was going to be painful, but she had no other choice. The Reapers were coming and she knew it. No one else believed her. She had to take care of things herself. A short, respectful nod and dry smile was shot the Councilor's way before taking the plunge. "I would like to officially resign my post, immediately."

Silence hung in the air like a bad odor.

"Do you have any idea what this–"

She rounded on Udina so fast that even he thought she might actually shoot him. "I am _more_ than aware of what this means. I don't give a shit, Udina. I never have and I never will. You're a sniveling little worm of a man and I'd shoot you right now if you weren't a waste of a heat clip. I am resigning effective immediately and there is nothing you can do about it."

Her shoulders rolled and Shepard turned to face Anderson. "I relinquish the Normandy's crew to your command, Captain. If the Alliance doesn't deem my evidence sufficient to support me, I will do it on my own. I…owe him that much." That was probably skirting a bit too close to the line of admitting her feelings for Kaidan, but she just quit the military anyway. Who cared?

The older man stuck out his hand and gave her a sad smile. She shook it solemnly. "I can easily say that on behalf of the Alliance, we thank you for your service and will sorely miss you. You are welcome back at any time, Commander."

"I'll hold you to that, sir."

* * *

It was nights like tonight that she wished she actually let the crew mutiny and steal a ship for a second time. But _no,_ she had to talk them down from it. It was probably for the better, anyway. Kaelia groaned and shifted on the uncomfortable cot. Omega was not an attractive place from the get go, but once you got beneath the surface, it turned ugly. This was the part of being a Spectre no one wanted to hear about: getting dirty, meeting with seedy people, having to scrape together credits to get by. Spectres were outfitted well and respected in the more civilized systems, but they didn't get paid much at all.

Bet _that_ fact never made it to the extranet vids.

In the neon light that peered through a small bulletproof window, she pulled dog tags out from under her shirt. It was good the Alliance never asked for them back – she didn't know why they would, though. Those are intensely personal items…hers even more so. Clutching them to her chest, she let her mind drift back to when she and Kaidan split and swapped their tags.


	3. Ever Dream

Over two years since the Normandy was destroyed, and she wasn't any closer to finding out any solid information about the Reapers…just some vague information about the Collectors she managed to finagle from a Shadow Broker agent. Shepard was reaching the end of her rope. While she and Anderson had kept in contact, she was still more than a little surprised to get a private message from him on the Council's secure channel.

"…I'm sure you've heard the rumors as much as I have, Shepard. Trust me when I say I'd tell you – as a friend, if nothing else – if I knew their validity. I'm asking you to please go to Horizon as a favor."

Her eyes fluttered shut. She knew _exactly_ which rumors he spoke of. They were plastered all over the extranet.

**_Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko spotted on the Citadel._ **

**_Memorialized Alliance war hero Alenko seen in the company of human terrorist organization, Cerberus._ **

**_BETRAYAL IN THE ALLIANCE!_** (She actually punched al-Jilani when that one was thrown in her face.)

Anderson had never steered her wrong in the past; she believed him when he said he would tell her. Over the past two years, they had grown close. Was Kaidan truly alive? How? Why hadn't he found her yet? She wasn't exactly hiding. A finger tapped against the desk in her small Citadel apartment.

No, he couldn't be. If Kaidan were alive, or brought back to life somehow – the very thought made her laugh in disbelief – the first thing he'd do would be to find her, she had no doubt of that. She idly played with the dog tags around her neck as she thought.

_Well, it can't hurt to go. It's just setting up some defense cannons, anyway._

Her finger pressed the reply button and she began her response.

"Thank you for coming to me with this, Captain. As a retired Alliance officer, I would be honored to assist you however you need. In regard to the rumors of my former officer's return, I will investigate this as well."

_Could be a little less formal, but who cares. He knows you get tense when talking about this._

The console beeped. "Message sent."

Time to sleep; tomorrow, she headed back out as an official Alliance representative again.

* * *

"Don't take it personal; they just don't trust Alliance out here."

Kaelia patted Lilith's shoulder, trying to keep the sigh out of her voice. "Yeah, but I'm not technically Alliance." Both women knew _that_ was false; she'd never be able to fully escape her ties to the military.

"Like it or not, you're still their poster girl. You resigned in good standing, so they'll use your image until the bitter end."

She could only nod with the colonist's assessment. It was true, after all. She probably wouldn't have agreed to come out here at all if it weren't for the possibility of this Kaidan imposter showing up – even if Anderson did ask for a personal favor. Kaelia owed it to her long-dead love to expose whoever was pretending to be him. Kaidan would _never_ join up with Cerberus.

The crackle of a large ship entering atmosphere made her hair stand on edge. Everyone stopped where they were and stared up as a mostly organic-appearing ship descended onto the colony. She immediately recognized the ship. Her blood ran cold. _Not again._

Panic was something people rarely heard from Kaelia Shepard; in fact, Joker was the only one who ever had. In the face of the vessel that blew up her ship, killed her soul mate and destroyed her career, panic was one of only two emotions she could process. The other was pure and unadulterated rage.

" _Everybody move out, now! RUN!"_ She didn't follow her own advice, pulling her trusty assault rifle and running toward what looked like its intended landing site.

Before she could make it all the way there, tiny swarms of really ugly bugs began to descend. She shot at them as best she could, leaping over boxes and trying to outrun them. The defense tower was just past this last residential prefab – she could make it. Just as she reached the door to the main calibration area, she felt a small sting at the back of her neck.

Her body grew numb quickly, but her mind was entirely intact. Before Kaelia knew it, she was completely frozen in place – like a creepy work of living art.

_What is this?!_

* * *

Being in a stasis was the most boring and frustrating state. The fact that her eyes could move made it all the worse.  _What are these things, Collectors? What's going on?_ A thud and scrape grabbed her attention. Her eyes swiveled to see shadows dragging another colonist away.  _Damn it! Why can't I move?_ Just as she began to futilely struggle against the effects again, a large explosion reverberated from the defense cannons. The sound of the evil ship's engines firing up deafened her as the bug's bite effect suddenly wore off. Gravity took control of her body again and pulled her to the ground.

Kaelia rubbed her arms and stood up to peer through the nearby window. The ship was taking off, but the defense tower _was_ in fact shooting at it…that made no sense. They hadn't gotten the targeting grid fixed yet! A small group of armed people were shooting at the ship with side arms – like _that'd_ work. She squinted, frowning when she thought she recognized one of them.

_It can't be…_

Afraid of what she might find, she took her sweet time picking her way around the various crates while searching for the best vantage point.

He certainly looked like Kaidan…to the point that she had to pause and suppress the urge to run into his arms. No, she watched that very man die. This _wasn't_ him. Someone had stolen his face and was using it for some ill-gotten gain. Desire quickly flamed into rage at the irreverence and she shoved her assault rifle onto her back, instead opting for her favorite pistol. Making sure the safety was off, Shepard jumped into the open and took a few steps toward "Kaidan," pistol leveled straight at his face.

"Who are you, and why are you here?!" She held back a wince. _Now is not the time to show emotion._

Soft brown eyes startled and immediately searched to find her own. Her heart skipped a beat, but the anger was in too much control; she scowled when their eyes met. One of his companions – she'd look but her eyes weren't allowing themselves to be torn from him – muttered her last name in surprise.

The imposter took a hesitant step toward her. "K-…Shepard."

Kaelia had forgotten what his voice sounded like. Hearing it again shredded her heart – how dare they do such a good job pretending to be him? Her pistol lowered and she shot the ground no more than two feet from him; it re-leveled on his head. "I won't ask again: _who are you and why do you look like Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko?"_

His body flared into a blue shield, defending him from the near-shot. It disappeared as quickly as it formed when he frowned. "It's me, Lia. Kaidan. I'm…" Kaelia couldn't help a twitch as he used his secret nickname for her. He sighed and stopped trying to walk toward her. "I was clinically dead; they spent two years bringing me back to help fight against the Reapers."

They? They?! Who was "they?" Cerberus? No. This was an imposter. Her finger tightened on the trigger. How _dare_ they try to lower her guard with someone enhanced to look like him? She shook her head slowly.

"No. You're lying. You're _lying._ The Kaidan Alenko I knew would _never_ work with terrorists!" She could feel her control slipping away slowly. This man looked, sounded, acted just like him; but it couldn't be. This had to be a horrible dream.

A hand reached up to run through his thick black hair. Before he could respond, she cut him off.

"He wouldn't. The things we saw… _your people_ do, there's no way. Prove…prove it. _Prove you're him._ " The barrel of her pistol wavered, forcing her other hand to help stabilize it. "Tell me something only we'd know."

The two people with him lifted their guns, but he quickly raised his hand to stop them. He took another step toward her, palms outturned to her. "Ilos."

She cringed. That single word brought back a flood of memories, most bittersweet…but no. That wasn't enough; anyone could say a planet's name and bring back a memory. Her head shook violently and she reaffirmed the grip on her pistol. "That's not enough. Anyone could guess that."

He smiled at her. Not the amused smile he often tried to hide or the tight one he gave her when they were both under pressure, but the soft smile she only saw in private. Tears filled her eyes. _This imposter is too good._

"You make me feel human."

He said the only five words the two of them ever kept private. She had never uttered the words aloud, even when alone – as if they were a precious code. _Kaidan_ said it.

This _was_ Kaidan. Her hands stopped working, gun clattering to the ground.


	4. Bye Bye Beautiful

Arms, strong and protective, wrapped around her. Two years of pain, sorrow and longing came rushing back in a wave. She sagged against him, hands clutching the edge of his breastplate and yanking him close to seize his lips in a kiss. For that one moment in time, nothing else mattered – just them. It seemed they were doomed to only ever having these brief stolen times together.

"Alenko."

An unfamiliar voice broke Kaelia out of her trance and forced her to take a step back. His arms pulled, refusing to let go of her entirely. Her eyes roamed his face, drinking in every detail. She frowned when she noted that his scar seemed to have vanished. "Where's your…"

He shook his head. "Apparently rebuilding me didn't include adding old scars."

 _Rebuilding…_ She stared at him. "How long…it's been over a month since I heard the rumors of…"

A hand reached to brush over her hair; he only did that when he was trying to soothe her. "A few months, at most."

She couldn't help a flash of anger. A few months? She pushed his arms off of her. "A few months? Why didn't you try to contact me? I…" Her eyes filled with tears again as she remembered. "I watched you _die._ We…Kaidan, I loved you. Watching you…that tore me apart. I quit the _Alliance_ when they backtracked on the Reapers. I owed you that much."

"Anderson stonewalled me when I visited him. I tried, Lia; believe me, I tried."

The news hit her like a truck. "Ander-…he… You talked to him?" She felt dizzy. _He lied to me?_

He nodded softly. "I'm sorry, but we've had too many leads on the Reaper threat. I had to keep going." _That_ certainly sounded like him: duty above all else. It still hurt to hear, though.

Duty to _Cerberus?_

Kaelia's hand flew up and connected with his cheek – hard. His face whipped to the side with the force of her slap. " _We?_ You _are_ working for Cerberus?!" She immediately regretted lashing out, but the anger was slowly taking control again. He knew he could trust her…why didn't he find her? They could have worked on this together!

"No! I'm…they're funding it, but only because the Alliance refused to help. Anderson told me they refused to help you, too. That you're a full-time Spectre now."

_Oh, no. Don't you dare…_

"Come with us, Lia. Come with _me_. _I_ need you." His hands reached for hers, gently holding them.

She wanted to hate him so much for asking her, she truly did; but when her eyes lifted to meet his, she realized he already hated himself enough for the both of them. She just couldn't do it, not even for him. He knew this about her, her principles: her refusal to settle for less than the highest road. He had to understand. Her head shook slowly. "How can you ask me to work with Cerberus?"

Kaidan sighed and lifted a hand to stroke her cheek. "I'm not. I'm asking you to come help _me_ stop these attacks. Do you trust me?"

What she wanted to do was twist her head away from his touch: instead, Kaelia's body betrayed her and her face rested against his hand further. "I _do_ trust you, Kaidan…but I _don't_ trust Cerberus. How do you know they're not behind these attacks?" Her body finally listened to her commands and she stepped back, free of his overpowering caress. "Don't you think it's a little convenient we both ended up here at the same time?"

He had no answer to that; the quirk of his eyebrows told her he had already thought the same thing. The pleading in his expression threatened to bring her to her knees. All she wanted to do was go with him, but she just couldn't betray everything she was as a person.

"Lieutenant." His chin lifted involuntarily at her call; probably reflexes from they were officers together. "Alenko." Both their brows furrowed as she continued. " _Kaidan._ " He bit his lower lip at the vulnerability she let sink into the final name. "I would follow you to the end of the galaxy, even all the way into dark space to take the fight directly to them; but you can't ask me to commit treason. _Treason._ "

She bent down to pick up her pistol, quickly flicking the safety back on. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

A solemn nod greeted her when she rose. "I'm sorry, Kaelia. I never had a choice; I never asked for any of this to happen to me."

Tears began to form again when it dawned on her that he'd never had a choice his entire life: his biotics, being pulled into the Reaper mission, and now this. "I know. You've never asked for anything to happen to you, but it still does."

She paused to take a deep, throat-clearing breath. "Take care, Kaidan. I…I couldn't stand to lose you again."

Their audience apparently didn't matter to him, given the way he quickly closed the distance and pulled her into a gentle but firm embrace. His words washed over her ear in a warm rush. "I love you, Kaelia. When this is all over, I'll find you."

His words had what she imagined was the intended effect: hearing them melted away some of her shock. Commander Mode was slowly allowed to kick in and she only nodded silently in return. He seemingly took the cue and stepped back, letting her go with some reluctance. The last thing she said to him was a quiet, "I'll hold you to that."

She stood stock-still as he and his cohorts departed, pistol hanging from her limp arm. Shepard didn't move until she heard a ship soar away – taking with it the one thing she wanted more than anything in the galaxy. The next few minutes of her life were spent just _breathing._ The wind eventually pulled her from the near-meditation she had started. Her eyes opened slowly and she looked around.

Now she was in an abandoned colony. She trudged toward the nearest prefab. The first thing she needed to do was sleep; that was a lesson hard-learned when they were on the run from Saren. Every time she was emotionally blindsided, she needed to sleep like a log before any constructive processing could happen. Gun fights were one thing: adrenaline and cold as steel nerves were easy when under fire. In general, she was more apt to compartmentalize all her feelings and ignore them forever anyway. Today, though…today she didn't want to ignore them.

Her shins bumped into the nearest bed, the pain a welcome jolt of reality for her brain. Guns were unhooked and fell wherever they felt like bouncing off to. Taking her clothes off was probably a bad idea… _just_ in case there were any survivors. She crawled onto the bed and curled up into the smallest ball her body would allow. Finally in bed, alone and clutching a pillow, she allowed herself to let go.

Bitter tears carried her into sleep.


	5. For the Heart I Once Had

When she woke up, her face was wet and she felt cold. Where were the blankets, and…what was that beeping noise? Shepard bolted straight up, looking around in a panic.

The Normandy's med bay greeted her bewildered eyes.

"Commander, please…lie back down. You're safe." Chakwas' voice always managed to end up an equal measure of scolding, care, and authority. She listened, lying down and turning her head to face the doctor.

"Doc… Why am I here? Where's Kaidan?" A cold compress was laid on her forehead, shocking and at the same time so welcome.

She didn't get an answer right away; the beeping of the monitor next to her rose as she began to worry. "Shepard, you haven't seen Staff Commander Alenko since Horizon. You must have been dreaming if you think he's here."

_A dream…_

Her chest rose and fell slowly as she focused on her breathing. Kaelia finally built up the courage to inquire again. "Why am I here?"

If she could count on one person in the entire galaxy to never mince words, it was Doctor Chakwas. "You had a biotic reaction and blew a hole nearly through the deck. Doctor Solus is most displeased with the bulge in his laboratory's ceiling."

_Biotic…reaction?_

In her state, confusion was obviously something she didn't hide very well. Chakwas explained further. "Yes, biotic. Apparently the exposure to Alchera's atmosphere and environment manifested in such a way as to…" She sighed. "To tell the truth, I don't entirely understand it; you'd have to speak to Operative Lawson for further explanation. All I can tell you is that you're perfectly healthy…for a woman who's been in a near-coma for five days due to an un-amplified biotic explosion."

Shepard tried to think back to what happened before this ‘reaction,' all but the most agonizing moments of her days-long dream already fleeing her mind. Had she really been dreaming what it would've been like in Kaidan's shoes? She could vividly recall watching him die, watching him commit treason…but that was _her,_ not him.

Real memories rushed back: the kiss before their daily routines; _her_ dying; being brought back and essentially forced to work with Cerberus; being abandoned by Kaidan on Horizon. She remembered talking with Anderson about it, being told that he was sent there on purpose to corroborate her story. Walking back to the ship, telling Joker to take them to Illium to meet with Liara, and…black.

"…The last thing I remember is telling Joker to take us to Illium. Everything after that is…didn't happen."

A small "hmm," floated over to her. "Well, I'd say it's rare for someone to bounce back after such a hit, but I've seen you recover in half the time before – even on the old Normandy." A long finger pointed at her. "But _watch the implant._ You're not used to it yet, and it could cause problems."

The mention of her newly-embedded implant caused a hand to reach back and gingerly touch her neck. Instead of only skin, her fingers met a small bit of metal. The sensation was new and unsettling.

_I bet this is another dream, too._

"I'm…going to go, Doc. That okay?"

"Just be careful."

* * *

"I have extensive experience with biotic control. I would be honored to assist in any way that I am able, Shepard."

She laughed hollowly. "Well, don't say that, Samara; I've got a whole load of emotional issues that need working out and apparently they're what caused this."

The Asari matriarch gave Shepard one of her rare smiles in response to the halfhearted jest. "I would normally say that we should each carry our own burdens, but yet I requested your help with one of my own." Her head dipped and rose slowly. "It would be amiss for me not to offer the same in return."

"Wait…you're actually offering to listen?"

Samara serenely nodded once more; Shepard made a mental note to learn how to do that. It was a calming motion to watch.

Before she set in for what she hoped could be a shorthand version, Kaelia blinked. "Wait. If I tell you I broke some rules, are you going to have to kill me?" The question was said with a teasing tone, but she wasn't entirely kidding.

"That would depend entirely on which rules you will speak of breaking."

A sheepish hand rose to scratch her temple. "Oh. Just fraternization."

The blue head shook slowly. "That is not a rule for which my code would demand justice if it were broken – assuming you held your duties above this infraction."

She snorted in discontent, her voice dripping with self-deprecation. "Holding our duty above all else is exactly how I got into this mess."

"Then please continue."

"Well, long story short…"

* * *

They had been there for hours at this point; Kaelia idly realized that Samara was actually enjoying listening to her and Kaidan's story. More than that, she realized  _she_ was enjoying telling it to someone else. Airing everything out helped put things into perspective.

"…And then I woke up in the med bay. Chakwas is surprised I remember much at all."

Clear blue eyes slowly closed and reopened, inspecting her with a keen gaze Shepard found mildly unsettling. As if she weren't already vulnerable enough for revealing her closest held secret, now she was being scrutinized by possibly the wisest being she'd ever met. She shifted slightly, putting more weight against the wall.

"I believe your true feelings were able to push to the forefront of your consciousness once you were no longer in control of your own mind. There are many who believe dreams are your heart trying to tell your mind its truths."

An interesting thought. "…Do you?"

Samara slowly shook her head. "I do not; but the dream that you describe sounds as if you already know the answer. You simply have not yet had the time to process the question."

"Do you always speak in riddles?" Kaelia gave the Asari a half-smile, which was answered with the usual quirk of blue lips to show amusement.

"I do not. Yet it seems that what you seek is simple enough."

A red eyebrow rose. "You think you know what it is?"

Another serene nod. "Forgiveness. You seek to understand his position so that you may forgive him for abandoning you. You also wish to gain his forgiveness as well; for his opinion is the one which you still hold closest to your heart. Redemption is always a noble goal."

"…You're right." Green eyes widened in realization, looking up to meet crystal blue. Ever since Kaidan had walked away from her, she was lashing out at any and everything, angry. All she wanted was his trust; if she couldn't have him with her, his trust was enough. "I need to…redeem myself. Be who I really am…not cut corners."

For the second time that day, Samara smiled at her. "Yes. That human expression is most apt – do not do things the quickest way, but rather the correct way. Do not ‘cut corners'."

She attempted to imitate the serene nod. It probably just looked awkward, but she knew the Justicar wouldn't say a word. "Thank you, Samara. I think I might be able to sleep tonight."

"That would be wise, for we must start your biotic training tomorrow."

Shepard groaned.

"We cannot rest while our mission is ahead of us still."

"I know, I know…"


	6. Higher Than Hope

A good month of pretty brutal training had left her exhausted. Still, she already felt comfortable enough gently lifting objects – although the poor tree back on Tarith probably would disagree. She concentrated on sitting in bed and pulling Kaidan's picture from her desk to her hands. Now she understood what the man in the picture had said about feeling the need to always hold back; Kaelia spent more time trying to _not_ destroy things while trying to move them. The frame finally floated, safe, into her lap.

She traced the outline of his jaw, smiling softly. Imagining his reaction to finding out that now she was a biotic like him was more than enough to illicit a small chuckle. It _was_ pretty much impossible for a woman her age to spontaneously gain such abilities, but it was pretty much impossible for someone to come back from the dead, too; she'd somehow managed to pull off both.

The personal message terminal on her desk softly chimed, shortly cutting out the music she had playing. Shepard sighed and wearily called to her VI, "Who is it now?"

Her own voice spoke back, causing a stifled grin; that Shepard VI would never get old. "You have one unread message, from Alenko, Kaidan; private account. Audio message title: 'About Horizon.' Priority: normal." The smile on her face immediately vanished, quickly replaced with apprehension.

"Send it to my personal datapad and erase it from every Cerberus network you have access to." She balanced the picture frame on her lap before grabbing the nearby datapad and waiting for the mail to upload. The message finally popped up, just as the VI said: it was a message from Kaidan.

She didn't want to open it. What if it was a final goodbye? Samara had helped her begin the healing process, but it was nowhere near done yet. Another blow like that could unravel her again. Her eyes flickered to the picture frame on her thigh. _What if it's an attempt at reconciliation?_ She looked between the message and his face a few times before sighing. _If I want him to have faith in me, I need to trust him._

She pressed a fingertip against the message and closed her eyes as she waited for the message to play.

_Shepard._

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I mean, I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and to move on. I mean, I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, just trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_And then…I saw you. A_ _nd…everything just…pulled hard to port. I mean, you were standing in front of me, but…you were with Cerberus. I mean, I, I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. I mean, do you, do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night…meant…everything to me. I mean, maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon…on the Normandy. And I just couldn't bear it if I had to lose you again. I mean, if you're, if you're still the woman I remember, I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is…Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_…Look. When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know. Just take care._

"Please be careful…just take care." Her fingers lightly brushed the tears streaming down her face as she softly repeated some of his pleas aloud. "I couldn't bear it if I lost you again." She sat up straight, replaying the message again. Once finished, she set the datapad to the side and laid down. She pulled the picture up to her face, gazing at it quietly.

"When things settle down a little, maybe…" A small, sad chuckle bubbled out of her. Impulsively – for her – she planted a kiss on the picture and set it down on the bedside table. She grabbed a pillow and hugged it close. "You won't. I'll make it back alive. I promise."

For the first time since her resurrection, Shepard fell asleep with a smile.


End file.
